


Lifestyles of the Rich and Heroic

by Mithen



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-03
Updated: 2010-05-03
Packaged: 2017-10-09 07:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mithen/pseuds/Mithen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" meets "Cops" in Gotham, chaos reigns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lifestyles of the Rich and Heroic

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [富人与英雄的生活方式](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5593681) by [Lynx219](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynx219/pseuds/Lynx219)



> Set when Dick Grayson was a Bludhaven police officer and Selina Kyle was wearing purple and not quite a hero yet.

INT. WAYNE MANOR-NIGHT. Sounds of a party filter through to the quiet library in which BRUCE WAYNE sits, smiling at the camera. ALFRED PENNYWORTH, Wayne's butler, hovers unobtrusively in the background as CLARK KENT interviews his employer.

CLARK KENT  
It sounds like quite a gala event out there, Mr. Wayne.  
   
BRUCE WAYNE  
Oh yes, it's for...some charity. Alfred, what's it for?

ALFRED PENNYWORTH  
I believe the proceeds from the auction will go to the large cat sanctuary outside of Gotham, sir.

WAYNE  
Right. I'm totally into big pussycats.

KENT  
You--you are?

WAYNE  
Oh yes, especially the ones who pretend they don't have sharp, gleaming claws and big, dangerous teeth. The ones who try to look cuddly.

KENT  
I didn't know there were a lot of those in the wild.

WAYNE  
Oh, it's a very rare type, very rare indeed. [LAUGHS] Come on, Kent. You've been following me around with camera crews for four days now and you can't tell when I'm teasing? I thought you knew me better than that.  
 Kent looks down and shuffles his notes for a little bit.

KENT  
It says here the final item on the auction is the famous Crystal Cat by Swarovski--a panther cut from a single perfect crystal?

WAYNE  
Yes, we're hoping it will fetch an excellent price. Shall we go and take a look at it?

KENT  
Yes, by all means. Lead the way, Mr. Wayne.  
 Wayne rises from the couch, beckoning to the camera crew. The camera follows him through the library doors and into the glittering ballroom, filled with society types. The Crystal Cat is perched on a table, casting brilliant prisms around the room. Wayne moves around greeting people, air-kissing and shaking hands. His adopted son, TIM WAYNE, is greeted with a clap on the back.

KENT  
[to the camera]  
And so Bruce Wayne sets out to fulfill one of his many social obligations. There is a sense of _noblesse oblige_ about the man--even if he can't always remember what charity he's doing it for. When we return, an evening of wining and dining with Gotham's most eligible bachelor.  
 FADE TO BLACK to the theme music for "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

**: : :**

EXT. GOTHAM SKYLINE-NIGHT

INT. PATROL CAR-NIGHT. In the front seat of the patrol car are officers NICOLE WHEELER and DICK GRAYSON.

WHEELER  
It's a surprisingly slow night in Bludhaven, so we've been told to patrol greater Gotham as well. The masks must be busy in Bludhaven tonight.  
 The SCANNER busts to life with a static-filled voice.

SCANNER  
We've got a four five nine in progress at ten oh seven Mountain Drive. All units in the area proceed to ten oh seven Mountain Drive.

WHEELER  
[to camera, over shoulder]  
A four five nine is a burglary.

GRAYSON  
And the address is Wayne Manor.

WHEELER  
Hey, isn't that your--  
 Wheeler is cut off as the car jumps forward with a burst of acceleration.

GRAYSON  
Hold on, everyone. This could get a little rough.  
 As the patrol car speeds toward the burglary, FADE TO BLACK as the "Cops" theme music starts to play.

_Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?..._

  
**: : :**

Alfred Pennyworth pulled Bruce Wayne aside--well, it was more like "wafted" aside, it was so gradual and unobtrusive. "I regret to inform you, sir, that something or someone has tripped Wayne Manor's silent burglar alarms," the butler noted.

Bruce Wayne looked at the cameras trained on him, then at Clark Kent. "Oh dear," he said. "I do hope no _unpleasantness_ breaks out. That would be so dreadful."

Clark's eyebrows were raised. He looked mildly curious as to how Bruce was going to handle this one.

"Tim, my dear boy," Bruce warbled, snagging Tim from a group of admirers. "Alfred informs me that the silent burglar alarm has gone off. I'm sure it's nothing, but perhaps--"

It was at this point the door was kicked in by a knife-wielding thug. "Everyone freeze!" the thug barked. Behind him were another dozen or so masked men, bristling with daggers, shivs, machetes, shortswords, glaives, stilettos--if it had a sharp edge, they had it.

Shrieks broke out around the ballroom, and the crowd broke into random frantic movement as people were herded up.

"Oh! Oh!" cried Bruce Wayne, wringing his hands. "Someone save me!" He started to run up the wide staircase toward the second floor. The camera crew gamely attempted to follow him, but Clark slipped on one of the Persian rugs and managed to yank it out from under the camera crew, sending them tumbling and bringing their pursuit to a crashing halt. As the director cursed Kent's clumsiness, Bruce disappeared into one of the doors lining the second-floor walkway.

"Go after him!" yelled one of the masked thugs.

"Uh-uh-uh." A brightly-dressed teen was standing on the railing at the top of the stairs, looking down at the burglars with a grin and shaking a finger. "If you crash the party, you have to pay the cover charge."

"It's Robin!" someone in the crowd cried.

A thug hurled a throwing knife at the boy; everyone cringed and cowered, but Robin merely danced to the side, almost absent-mindedly.

"Are you getting this?" barked the director to the quaking cameraman as the remaining thugs swarmed up the stairs at Robin.

"Freeze!" Everyone swiveled to see two blue-clad police officers come bursting through the door. "Put your hands up!"

It wouldn't have seemed possible, but things got even more chaotic in the ballroom as the thugs engaged both the police and the teen hero. People shrieked and dodged; Clark Kent, his camera crew, and the _Cops_ camera crew scrambled around the room banging into things. Kent even accidentally knocked out a thug with his microphone while he was trying to hide behind a chair.

"Grayson! Look out!" Robin leapt from the railing, grabbed the chandelier, somersaulted, and landed on top of a burglar who was about to knock the police officer on the head.

"You know my name. I'm flattered," said Grayson.

"Batman and Robin know every Gotham cop," retorted Robin.

They stood back to back for a second, throwing punches left and right.

"Nice somersault," Officer Grayson noted.

"Maybe you should--ooof--keep Wayne safe," Robin responded between punches. "He's hiding upstairs."

"Good idea. Wheeler! Cover me!" Grayson dodged past the melee and disappeared upstairs--through a different door than the one Wayne had vanished through.

"Damn!" The _Cops_ director was practically pulling his hair from where he and his camera crew were cornered. "Okay, keep the cameras on Wheeler!"

Just as the door swung shut behind him, a _third_ door burst open, and a black-caped figure was thrown through it to crash against the railing. The crowd--even the burglars--gasped at the sight of Batman with a whip coiled around his neck, closely followed by Catwoman in her distinctive purple costume. She back-flipped onto the railing to avoid a sweeping kick by the Dark Knight.

"--I'm trying to _tell_ you I'm not involved!" she snarled, dodging.

"Right," Batman grated. "You show up during a robbery of the Crystal Cat and you're _not involved_."

"I found out these pathetic losers were planning a heist--"

"Hey!" one of the thugs below protested; she snapped her whip at Batman, holding him at bay, and ignored the complaint.

"--and I wasn't going to let them get away with it! Cat-related crimes are _my_ thing. Besides, the proceeds go to help cats--why would I interfere?" Batman jumped at her and she planted a foot in his chest and knocked him backwards. "_I'm_ the one who tripped the alarm to get the cops here. I'm trying to _help_, damn it!" Her whip coiled around his foot and jerked him off-balance--

\--and the door behind her snapped open to reveal Nightwing, who charged forward and yanked her off the railing, pulling her arms behind her back. "That's enough, Catwoman."

She shrieked--not at him. She was staring at the door. "The Cat! They're getting away with it!"

Indeed, while everyone else had been watching the martial arts display on the second floor, one of the thugs had snagged the sparkling Crystal Cat and was running toward the door. All eyes and cameras swiveled toward his flight.

And thus everyone was watching when he tripped and the Crystal Cat slipped from his hands, plummeting toward the floor. Catwoman let out a wail of anguish--that was cut short as the sculpture was gently scooped from the air by a figure in red and blue.

"I was in the neighborhood," Superman said, smiling, "And I heard a commotion..."

The gang of robbers stared in astonishment and disbelief as the Man of Steel tucked the Cat under his arm and shook a finger at them. "Shame on you, planning to steal a priceless artifact like this."

As they gaped, Batman, Nightwing, Robin--and Catwoman--made short work of them. Superman handed the Crystal Cat to the butler, looked at the melee, and seemed to decide the Gotham crew had things well in hand. With a wave, he disappeared in a burst of speed.

"Where did that worthless Kent go?" fumed the director as the last of the burglars was getting tied up.

"Um, over here," came a voice from under a table. The tablecloth lifted to reveal Clark Kent. "Did I miss anything?"

The director dragged him out. "Superman crashed the party, get an interview with him!"

"He's gone, sir," the cameraman pointed out, leading the director to pull his hair and make gurgling noises of pure frustration.

"Someone better find the Waynes," someone holding a clapperboard said.

"And my partner!" Officer Wheeler said, sounding alarmed.

Batman, Nightwing, and Robin looked at each other. Catwoman was eyeing the door. Everyone else was looking around the room.

And then Batman stalked up to Clark Kent and abruptly dipped him into a kiss.

Everyone stared, the room falling so silent you could hear a pin drop--or three other vigilantes making themselves scarce, if you cared to. But no one cared to, because Clark Kent returned the kiss fervently, his hands clutching at the black cape and pulling the Dark Knight closer. They made a very embarrassing spectacle of themselves for a very long time, and they only came up for air when Officer Grayson came through one of the doors and said, "Well, I found Mr. Wayne, he's safe in the--_Holy Liplocks!_"

Batman whisked Kent upright again. The reporter looked rumpled and embarrassed and not at all repentant. "Keep safe, citizen," Batman rasped, and headed for the door.

On the way there he met Selina Kyle in a tiny black cocktail dress, who raised an eyebrow at him as she came down the stairs. She snagged a champagne flute from a table as the Dark Knight exited the scene. "Congratulations," she said to the reporter, just a touch archly.

Bruce Wayne's adopted son turned out to be in the crowd already, so with everyone accounted for the police finished cleaning up the crime scene. The director of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" was berating Kent for his "unprofessional behavior." "Completely out of line!" he yelled, waving his hands. "I should fire you on the spot!"

Kent unclipped his microphone from his lapel. "You don't have to fire me from this ridiculous program, I quit," he said. "Morgan Edge is going to have to find another patsy for his ludicrous programming ideas."

"But--but--we need a final voiceover from you!" protested the director in vain.

The "Cops" director, on the other hand, was chortling with delight. "This will be the best episode ever!"

One of the upstairs doors opened a crack and Bruce Wayne peeked out from behind it. "Is the excitement all over? Did I miss anything?"

A ripple of laughter moved around the room. "Just Batman making out with Mr. Kent," snarked Tim.

"Oh my," Wayne said, pausing dramatically halfway down the stairs. "A bat-kiss from a dark and handsome stranger! _How_ I envy you," he drawled. "Was it _divine,_ Mr. Kent? Was his kiss all you had ever dreamed of? Were all your secret fantasies fulfilled at the touch of his fiery lips on yours?"

Kent cast his eyes upward, recalling. "All in all, I'd have to say...yes, without a doubt."

Wayne had started down the stairs once more; at Kent's words he missed a step and stumbled down a couple of stairs with a surprising lack of his usual feline grace. "Say what?"

Kent smiled up at him as the crowd chatter started to rise up around them again. "Yes, it was wonderful."

"Oh." Wayne blinked at him as if he had heard something incomprehensible. He ambled down the last few stairs, seeming to rally as he approached the reporter. "You should be careful what you say, Mr. Kent, or you may awake some night to find a dark shadow loooooooming over your bed." He stood on dramatic tiptoes and drew an imaginary cape across his face like Bela Lugosi to illustrate, prompting amused chuckles from the circle of people around them. His eyes were locked with Kent's.

Kent's smile deepened and threatened to become outright laughter. "If that handsome hunk of hero were to show up at my bedside, I wouldn't say no."

"Handsome hunk of--" Bruce Wayne sputtered a bit. He narrowed his eyes at Kent. "You're serious," he said, almost accusingly.

Kent stopped smiling and raised his chin like a challenge. "I am."

"If I may cut in on this little conversation, I need Mr. Wayne to sign some forms," said Dick Grayson, holding out a clipboard.

"Yes, yes," Wayne said, signing them without looking at them, still staring at Kent as if unsure of his own sanity. "Nice work." He rumpled Grayson's hair with a distracted air and Grayson made an annoyed noise, putting his hat back on.

"Maybe you should get to the auction," Kent said politely to the bemused billionaire.

"Hmmm," said Bruce Wayne. "Right." He started to walk toward the Crystal Cat, then turned abruptly to confront Kent again. "Maybe you should rent a hotel room tonight, in case Batman decides to show up."

The smile was back. "I intend to be home all evening, barring emergencies. I'm not afraid of some scary old Bat."

Bruce Wayne rubbed his chin, his fingers over his mouth as if to hide a frown--or a smile. "Apparently not. Brave man." Then he turned and went back to the auction.

**: : :**

INT. WAYNE MANOR-NIGHT. A gavel comes down and we hear the AUCTIONEER.

AUCTIONEER  
Sold! To the lady in black!  
 SELINA KYLE steps forward to claim her Crystal Cat as JIMMY OLSEN moves into the frame.

OLSEN  
After a fierce bidding war with Bruce Wayne, Selina Kyle finally won the Crystal Cat for her own.

KYLE  
It was all for a good cause, after all. Isn't she lovely? [CARESSES CRYSTAL CAT AFFECTIONATELY]

OLSEN  
When asked how he felt about losing the bidding war, Mr. Wayne had this to say.

WAYNE  
[smiling hugely]  
All things considered, I feel like I ended up with the real prize this evening.

OLSEN  
And with these enigmatic words, the Prince of Gotham hurried away, claiming he had a date to prepare for. So now you've seen another whirlwind day in the life of a playboy billionaire--and you've seen justice meted out by five caped crusaders. [INAUDIBLE VOICE OFFSCREEN] Yes, well. Three caped crusaders, Nightwing, and Catwoman. [PEEVISHLY] I know they don't wear capes, it's a figure of speech, all right? [TO CAMERA AGAIN] Yes, hedonism, glamour, crime and punishment--Gotham has it all!  
 FADE TO BLACK

OLSEN [V.O.]  
You think that last speech will cover both shows? Yeah? Gosh, I hope so.  
 END CREDITS


End file.
